Understanding Insomnia: Why You Can’t Sleep (Even When You’re Exhausted), and What Actually Helps

It’s the middle of the night.

You’re tired, bone tired, yet somehow wide awake.

You turn the pillow over. You sigh. You check the clock and immediately regret it.

Your body feels heavy, but your mind is busy doing mental maths:

If I fall asleep now, I’ll get four hours.

Four hours isn’t enough.

Tomorrow is going to be awful.

If this sounds familiar, take a breath.

You’re not broken. You’re not failing at sleep. And you’re definitely not alone.

Insomnia is one of the most common, and misunderstood, struggles adults experience. And yet, so many people carry it quietly, blaming themselves for something that’s actually very human.

This blog isn’t here to give you another list of rules or tell you to “just relax”. Instead, it’s here to help you understand what’s really happening with your sleep, and why understanding is often the first step toward sleeping better.

First, Let’s Talk About What Insomnia Really Is

Most people think insomnia simply means not getting enough sleep.

But insomnia is more nuanced than that.

Insomnia is about difficulty sleeping combined with distress about sleep.

That might look like:, Lying awake for long stretches, even though you’re exhausted, Waking repeatedly through the night, Waking early and being unable to drift back off, Sleeping “enough” hours, but waking feeling unrested

What often hurts most isn’t just the tiredness, it’s the worry, frustration, and sense of dread around bedtime.

And that matters, because insomnia isn’t measured only in hours. It’s measured in how much sleep has started to take up space in your thoughts.

“But Everyone Else Seems to Sleep Fine…”

This is one of the hardest parts.

You might look around and think:

Why can my partner fall asleep in seconds?

Why do other people cope on less sleep than I do?

What’s wrong with me?

Here’s something important that rarely gets said:

Insomnia often affects thoughtful, conscientious, caring people.

People who want to do things well. People who notice their bodies. People who worry about coping.

That doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human.

How Sleep Is Meant to Work (Without the Science Lecture)

Sleep isn’t something you can force. It’s something that happens when the conditions are right.

Two systems work together behind the scenes:

Sleep Pressure

Think of this like a gentle internal build-up.

The longer you’re awake, the more your body wants sleep. By night-time, this pressure should naturally help you drift off.

Your Body Clock

This is your internal rhythm that helps you feel awake during the day and sleepy at night. Light, routine, and timing all influence it.

When these systems are working together, sleep tends to come more easily.

Insomnia happens when something starts to interrupt that balance.

How Insomnia Often Begins

For most people, insomnia doesn’t appear out of nowhere.

It usually starts during a period of stress or change:, A demanding job, Parenthood, Hormonal shifts, Illness, pain, or anxiety, A disrupted routine

At first, difficulty sleeping makes sense.

The problem is what happens after.

Why Insomnia Sticks Around (Even When the Stress Has Passed)

This is the part that surprises many people.

Even when life calms down, sleep doesn’t always follow.

That’s because over time, the brain can begin to associate:

Bed = effort, frustration, alertness

You might notice things like:, Feeling tense as bedtime approaches, Becoming hyper-aware of how awake you feel, Watching the clock, Trying to make sleep happen

Ironically, the harder you try to sleep, the more awake your nervous system becomes.

This isn’t a flaw, it’s your brain doing its job a little too well.

“I’ve Tried Everything”, Why Advice Alone Doesn’t Help

Most people with insomnia have already tried all the usual tips:, Cutting caffeine, Early nights, No screens, Herbal teas, Breathing exercises

These things can support sleep, but they don’t undo conditioned wakefulness.

That’s why insomnia can persist even when you’re doing “all the right things”.

What’s missing isn’t effort.

It’s understanding.

What Actually Helps: CBT-I Explained Gently

CBT-I (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Insomnia) is the gold-standard, evidence-based approach for long-term insomnia.

But despite the clinical name, the heart of CBT-I is very human.

It helps you:, Understand what’s keeping your sleep stuck, Reduce fear and pressure around sleep, Rebuild trust in your body’s ability to rest, Create conditions where sleep can return naturally

CBT-I isn’t about perfect sleep.

It’s about restful, reliable sleep without constant effort or worry.

This Isn’t About Forcing Sleep

One of the biggest mindset shifts is this:

Sleep improves when we stop trying to control it.

CBT-I works with your nervous system, not against it.

It gently retrains the brain to see bedtime as safe again, not something to brace for.

Small Shifts That Can Make a Big Difference

Even before formal support, some ideas are helpful to hold:

A bad night doesn’t mean a bad tomorrow, Rest still counts, even if you’re awake, Consistency matters more than perfection, Your body knows how to sleep, it hasn’t forgotten

These ideas alone can soften the grip insomnia has.

Understanding Insomnia: A Sleep Improvement Workshop for Adults

If you’d like guidance without overwhelm, my 2-hour adult sleep workshop is designed to feel supportive, practical, and human.

We’ll explore:, Why insomnia makes sense (and why it’s not your fault), How sleep actually works, Evidence-based CBT-I strategies you can use straight away, How to stop fighting your sleep and start working with it

You’ll leave with clarity, reassurance, and tools you can return to long after the workshop ends.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is insomnia caused by anxiety?

Not always. Insomnia can exist on its own, but worry often develops because sleep has been difficult.

What if I’ve had insomnia for years?

Length of time doesn’t mean permanence. Chronic insomnia is highly treatable.

Will I ever sleep normally again?

Most people do, though “normal” sleep often looks more flexible and forgiving than we expect.

If sleep has been hard, you don’t need more discipline, gadgets, or rules.

You need understanding.

Insomnia is a learned pattern, and patterns can change.

Better sleep doesn’t begin with trying harder.

It begins with learning what your sleep has been trying to tell you all along.

This workshop and approach are led by Jen Fyvie.

Jen is a registered nurse and a qualified sleep consultant since 2021, with advanced training as an adult sleep therapist. She works using evidence-based CBT-I (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Insomnia) to support adults struggling with persistent sleep difficulties.

Jen’s work is grounded in both clinical knowledge and compassion. Her approach is practical, human, and realistic, focused on helping people understand their sleep, reduce fear around it, and build lasting improvements without pressure or shame.

If you’re looking for support that is evidence-based, reassuring, and centred on long-term change, you’re in very safe hands.

Book your spot here