Meltdown or Misbehaviour? Seeing the Truth Behind the Tears

The other day I overheard a mum in a café, gently pleading with her little boy: “Please stop crying, you’re being so silly. Everyone’s looking at us.”

Her face was tired, her coffee untouched. I could feel the heat of her embarrassment as her child’s cries grew louder, stronger, more desperate.

It’s a scene many of us know too well.

Your child is on the floor in the supermarket aisle, red-faced and inconsolable. Or maybe they slam their bedroom door with the kind of force that makes you want to scream too. And in that moment, the thought creeps in:

“Why are they behaving like this? Are they just being naughty?”

But here’s the truth: meltdowns aren’t misbehaviour. They’re overwhelm.

What’s Really Happening Inside

When a child hits that boiling point, their nervous system is flooded. Their brain isn’t calmly weighing options or plotting against you, it’s in full-on survival mode. The “thinking brain” (the part that understands reason, logic, and consequences) goes offline. What’s left is pure feeling, erupting out of a body that doesn’t yet know how to manage the storm.

If we misread it as bad behaviour, we’re tempted to respond with correction… discipline, lectures, threats. And often, that makes the meltdown worse. Not because we’re bad parents, but because the child simply can’t hear us in that state.

A Different Way to See It

I once worked with a mum who told me: “Every time my daughter loses it, I feel like I lose her too.” She wanted to connect, but ended up shouting over the noise, desperate to be heard.

What she didn’t realise was that her daughter wasn’t shutting her out on purpose. She was drowning in her own feelings and what she needed most was a lifeboat, not another wave.

That shift in perspective seeing meltdowns as signals of distress rather than acts of defiance, changes everything.

Responding With Calm and Connection

No parent can stay Zen 100% of the time. We’re human. We get triggered, embarrassed, exhausted. But when we begin to understand why our children melt down, we can start to meet them with a calmer energy.

• Sometimes that means sitting quietly nearby until the storm passes.

• Sometimes it’s holding them close, wordlessly, so they can feel your steady heartbeat.

• And sometimes, it’s just taking a breath ourselves before responding, so we don’t add fuel to the fire.

It doesn’t mean letting children “get away with” everything, it means recognising that correction and teaching can only happen once calm has returned. Safety first, solutions later.

You’re Not Alone

If you’ve ever felt helpless, embarrassed, or frustrated when your child unravels, you’re in good company. Every parent has been there. But with a little understanding and a few simple strategies, those overwhelming moments can become less frightening for you and for your child.

That’s why we’re hosting a special workshop at Nest with Laura Carswell, founder of Huge Little Minds. She’ll guide parents through what’s really happening inside your child during emotional overwhelm, and how to respond in ways that soothe rather than escalate.

Come as you are, bring your questions, and leave with tools to help your child (and yourself) feel safer in the storm.

Parenting with calm is possible—start here